Aspie Schizotypal and No One Listens
By Jessika Endsley
Hi, this is Dizzy and I'm going to talk about my recent therapy experience along with schizotypal personality disorder versus Asperger's syndrome from personal experience and professional curiosity and research. People who subscribe to me and watch my video a lot, this is as much as you've seen. What I look like, my face with a green room behind me. Now you know. Call it fat, call it skinny, call it whatever, I don't care. So I have a blog because I'm a lot better at typing or writing my thoughts than speaking which is why my YouTube channel may not get as many views as it could. Anyway, I see a therapist. I have since I was 14 off and on. It's not really 'cause I have issues as much as I need to be able to talk to a, hopefully, objective third party with knowledge of the mind. Someone on my mental level. Because people my age, I can't relate to. And people my age don't want to hear what I want to talk about and I don't want to hear what they talk about. I'm 21, by the way, if this is the first time you've seen me. And what I said may be cocky, but it's true. But when I was a teenager I had some issues and I would jump from counselor to counselor and I found this new one that was great. She moved on for career reasons and picked one out for me that I liked. And she was originally a bit surprised that people don't like me. She's known me for about two months now.
But out of all those years of therapy, I think that the other day, my last session, was the only time I expressed an emotion. Sometimes I'll express or fain emotions on my face, it's part of me trying to fit in to the American world. But the last session it was actually a genuine one. Which is weird for me. Part of the reason that my diagnosis wasn't actually discovered to be Asperger's syndrome until I was 20 is that I'm female and therefore the autistic spectrum is the last place that they look. Yes, I go on and on about Asperger's in female because it disturbs me and as soon as I can start getting my degree in psychology I'm going to change that. Pinky promise. Anyhow, they look at the next closest thing that could make me have flat effect because I don't show emotion on my face much or I look sad but I score low on depression. So they're thinking she looks like she has a mental disorder but she's not depressed on the test. But they want to call me schizoteffective which said that I'm depressed. But they can't because I'm not. I just look like I am. Being that I have the flat effect, I'm also weird. Extremely introverted, socially awkward and prone to ritual, they came to the conclusion that I have schizotypal personality disorder. That's not as bad as it sounds.
And I'll explain. Here are the symptoms I exhibit or I exhibited as a teenager. these aren't all symptoms of schizotypal but this is about me, okay? Being alone and lacking close friends outside of the immediate family, incorrect interpretation of events including feelings of external events that have personal meaning. Peculiar, excintric or unusual thinking, beliefs or behavior. Dressing in peculiar ways, beliefs of special powers such as telepathy, perceptual alterations in some cases bodily illusions, including fancy pants, other distortions in the sense of touch, suspicious or paranoid ideas, hyper sensitivity and constant doubts about the loyalty and fidelity of others. [inaudible 00:05:03 ] interruptions are limited or inappropriate emotional responses, fear of eye contact. That's a lot. That's, um, I didn't bode maybe two things on schizotypal from the list that I decided to use for my blog. These are the ones for Asperger's that I exhibit. Speech and, now these are just the ones that are also schizotypal but they're also Asperger's. Speech and language similarities, over formal speech, speaking without any pitch or tone or eye contact, difficulty initiating conversation, flat, cheerless demeanor, social withdraw, eccentric personality, preoccupied with their own gender, social and non adaptive personality.
Unusual preoccupations, repetitive routines and rituals, aloof, lack of, I don't have a lack of imagination, why would I say that? Aloof, and that's it as far as the ones that are Asperger's and schizotypal. But, let me add on the one's to Asperger's that schizotypal does not account for at all. And that that section of the brain really doesn't account for. So here we're back to Asperger's and the one's that I, personally, exhibit. Word repetition, that's like saying words over and over and over. I have a tendency to say words twice. Inappropriate remarks, poor eye contact, unable to recognize humor,tact or sarcasm, lack of interest in other people, harsh, correct people in their speech or behavior, limited interests, need for saneness, engages in highly repetitive play, that sounds dirty now that I'm older. Excellent rote memory, lack of empathy, single mindedness and flexible thinking and different, rigid thinking. Fear of changing. So, you know, look at that. That's a lot of things that isn't accounted for by a schizotypal diagnosis. I have most the symptoms of both but I have so many autistic symptoms that if you took away the gender factor, the diagnosis would be very easy and they would say Asperger's syndrome.
So I'm diagnosed with both, technically, and this is valid because I do exhibit so many of the schizotypal symptoms, but I have more symptoms that the schizo spectrum, which is schizoid, schizotypal, schizeffective, and schizophrenic do not account for. And when I write this blog, I write several blog entries a day. I have a lot on my mind. I realize that they original thing I was trying to write was about my therapy session and me exhibiting emotion. But the whole thing turned into psychological research and that was not the intention of that blog entry. It was supposed to be personal. I also have a journal. If you were to read it you would not find out many personal things about me but you would learn a lot about psychology and about you know what, they would just put me away. Never mind. Don't read my journal. But read my blog. So because I totally went off track on the blog, I'm going off track on the video. So back to the therapy session. Back when I intended to write the blog about that and ended up doing research, that verifies my Asperger's right there, to me. And it's actually kind of fun. Anyway, the emotion I expressed for six seconds in my therapy session was a distressed one. We were discussing why I cannot connect to people. This is common in both of my diagnosis, schizotypal and Asperger's, although it's more common for schizotypal to want to connect and Asperger's to want to connect a little bit but not in the same way.
I told her I can't connect to people because people are like filler lines in a book and they're like movie extras to me. This, according to her, is because I don't talk and allow others in and I'm too guarded. Then she wonders why I don't talk because I clearly have a lot to say. Look at this blog and this YouTube and all this. But that is when I had my moment of the distressed facial expression because I said no one listens. She concluded that I need to be around intellectuals and get out of this town. I live in a Duck Dynasty town, by the way. Literally. I could drive over there right now and talk to them. And the intellectual people will listen to me because they will also have intellectual interests. This may be why I'm drawn to older people. So, anyway, six seconds of emotion turns into a long blog about schizotypal and Asperger's be co-morbid or be incorrectly diagnosed and now almost a 12 minute video. I'm not sorry. So anyway, I hope everybody is having fun this summer, or whatever. I know a lot of you are in other countries. But I want you to go to my blog, there's a lot of information on it and if you want to know my personal business, you're gonna find a lot more of it there than on my YouTube.